Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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