Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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