Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
