Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
