He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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