If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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