Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You can't special order awesome
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
