Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I could fuck to npr.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
