Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
