It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
