If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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