The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
