his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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