theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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