Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
