she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
