Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
