if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
