My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
