If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
