The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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