lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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