I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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