you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
