just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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