I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
