Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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