Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
