How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
