hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
