So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
