Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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