apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
