I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
