dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
