just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
