i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The feeling are messing with the penis
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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