the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
