hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
