pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
