I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
