The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
