Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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