there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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