There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
