Someone shit on the floor
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
