So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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