I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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