i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
