remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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